Fear

Fear is a funny thing. It can freeze a person in their tracks, make them unable to do the simplest things. And it can make you do truly exceptional things, like lifting a two ton truck off of an infant or fight your way out of a burning building. I got asked what I am scared of this week, and I gave the usual platitudes ... I am scared of dying, and of really deep water in the ocean. Basic, "everybody says that" stuff.

And I got to thinking about it for whatever reason it is that your mind thinks of stuff, and something breathtakingly obvious hit me like a ton of bricks. I am terrified of failure.

I should have known that already, because I have played sports my whole life. I have never been actively scared while playing a sport, never feared a curveball or a lightening quick guard, but every athlete fears not being good enough. Michael Jordan would never admit it, but when he was "cut" by his high school team, he was scared that he wasn't quite good enough. Tiger Woods has never been scared on a golf course, but I bet late at night after he is done meeting up with a waitress from Waffle House, he feels that doubt creeping in. "Can I hit that cut shot I used to, has my putting game abandoned me." To athletes that isn't fear. Doubt, sure. But when it comes down to it, doubt is fear, just not as concentrated. It is diluted, like mixing a good drink. Doubt is a Jack and Coke with a lime twist. Fear is a double shot of it straight.

I bring this up because I am pretty scared right now. I am actively fearful about what the future has in store for me. I got straight up rejected by my number one internship choice, the place that would really put me in a position to accomplish what I want to get done. I am in a new town trying to get myself settled in without a super solid job to give me any peace of mind. And the worst part, the thing that has me really scared, is I am stuck in writers hell: I want to write and cannot for the life of me come up with anything good.

My usual stand by, sports stuff, is drawing dead. I can't think of anything good to put on the page. So I have resorted to a movie review, and that has been it for the last couple of weeks. And that took a ton of effort to get done. I am not sure what the cause of this writer's block is, lord knows that I keep up with enough sports stuff on a daily basis to be able to formulate a strong opinion on something, but as of lately I am going to the well and it is coming up dry. That lack of spark, of good ideas, has me shaking in my shoes. Writer's block has me more scared than I've been in a long time, and as of right now it isn't showing any signs of going away. So here is to some good ideas hitting me over the weekend, and getting some good posts out so I can go back to posting every other day like I was last month.

Ryan